When a thought comes into our mind, and we act on it the first time, we probably don’t think too much about it. Can you remember one of your first ED, depression, or anxiety-based thoughts that you acted on? I can’t! But I can easily remember the thought patterns. And if you are on this page, then you probably can too.
Fullness is a huge trigger for me. So, fullness, to my brain signals danger. One of the first thoughts that I have, when I am full, is ‘I can’t handle this.’ If left unchecked and uninterrupted, these thoughts quickly shift to ‘I’m going to die from this.’ While I know that this might sound like a complete exaggeration (and trust me, logically I know that it is), my brain goes into fight or flight mode and quickly succumbs to panic.
I can’t help wondering what my life would have been like if I hadn’t given into that anxiety the first time. While I know that I can’t go and change the past, I am in charge of how I react in future situations. I have a CHOICE of whether or not to listen to the chaotic and exaggerated thoughts in my mind or to logically think through my anxiety and behaviors.
When I read this story from Acts 27 about the storm at sea, I can’t help but see the parallels to what living with an ED, anxiety, or depression is like. A little context before you read the verses: Paul is a prisoner who is taking his case to Rome before Ceaser because the Jewish people want him dead even though he hasn’t broken any laws. So Paul is on a ship as a prisoner on his way to Rome.
Acts 27:13- 44
“When a light wind began blowing from the south, the sailors thought they could make it. So they pulled up anchor and sailed along close to short. But the weather changed abruptly, and a wind of typhoon strength caught the ship and blew it out to sea. They couldn’t turn the ship into the wind, so they gave up and let it run before the gale. We sailed behind a small island named Cauda, where with great difficulty we hoisted aboard the lifeboat that was being towed behind us. Then we banded the ship with ropes to strengthen the hull. The sailors were afraid of being driven across the sandbars of Syrtis off the African coast, so they lowered the sea anchor and were thus driven before the wind. The next day, as gale-force winds continued to batter the ship, the crew began throwing the cargo overboard. The following day they even threw out the ship’s equipment and anything else they could lay their hands on. The terrible storm raged unabated for many days, blotting out the sun and the stars, until at last all hope was gone. No one had eaten for a long time. Finally, Paul called the crew together and said, “Men, you should have listened to me in the first place and not left Fair Havens. You would have avoided all this injury and loss. But take courage! None of you will lose your lives, even though the ship will go down. For last night an angel of the God whom I belong and whom I serve stood beside me, and he said, ‘Don’t be afraid Paul, for you will surely stand trial before Caesar! What’s more, God in his goodness has granted safety to everyone sailing with you! So take courage! For I believe God. It will be just as he said. But we will be shipwrecked on an island.” About midnight on the fourteenth night of the storm, as we were being driven across the sea of Adria, the sailors sensed land was near. They took soundings and found the water was only 120 feet deep. A little later they sounded again and found only 90 feet. At this rate, they were afraid we would soon be driven against the rocks along the shore, so they threw out four anchors from the stern and prayed for daylight. Then the sailors tried to abandon the ship; they lowered the lifeboat as though they were going to put out anchors from the prow, but Paul said to the commanding officer and the soldiers, ‘You will all die unless the sailors stay aboard.’ So the soldiers cut the ropes and let the boat fall off. As the darkness gave way to the early morning light, Paul begged everyone to eat. ‘You haven’t touched food for 2 weeks’, he said, ‘Please eat something now for your own good. For not a hair of your heads will perish. ‘ Then he took some bread, gave thanks to God before them all, and broke off a piece and ate it. Then everyone was encouraged and all 276 of us began eating- that that is the number we have aboard. After eating, the crew lightened the ship further by throwing the cargo of wheat overboard. When morning dawned, they didn’t recognize the coastline, but they saw a bay with a beach and wondered if they could get between the rocks and get the ship safely to shore, so they cut off the anchors and left them in the sea. Then they lowered the rudders, raised the foresail, and headed toward shore. But the ship hit a shoal and ran aground. The bow of the ship stuck fast, while the strern was repeatedly smashed by the force of the waves and began to break apart. The soldiers wanted to kill the prisoners to make sure they didn’t swim ashore and escape. But the commanding officer wanted to spare Paul, so he didn’t let them carry out their plan. Then he ordered all who could swim to jump overboard first and make for land, and he told the other to try for it on planks and debris from the broken ship. So everyone escaped safely to shore.”
In Part 1 of this devotional, I just want to focus on the first few lines. As the sailors were making their way to Rome, they decided that even though the wind was starting to blow, that they could make it. They decided that acting on a behavior was worth the potential risk. What’s worse? They didn’t understand the depth of the risk that they were taking. It looked harmless! It’s just a little wind… what could possibly go wrong?
This is how many of us started acting on ED, anxiety, OCD, and depression behaviors. We see/hear a thought, don’t think that there is much risk in acting on the thought and then we do the behavior. My initial thought of ‘Fullness is scary… I’ll just skip this meal today’ didn’t seem that harmless at the time! But as we ALL know, it turns into a storm of thoughts and behaviors that we can’t get out of.
That wind seemed safe. They didn’t think that it could cause them harm. They may have even thought that the wind would get them to their destination faster! Instead, the wind turned out to be so much more than they ever bargained for.
The wind turned into a storm. What a beautifully tragic metaphor for our mental health. What started out as a simple thought turns into something all-encompassing. The description of the storm in this passage is so relatable. This storm was SO strong and so brutal that it blocked out the stars and the sun. They felt as if all hope was lost. Can you imagine, for a moment what that storm must have looked like through the sailor’s eyes? The rain was so heavy that you can’t see around the ship. The waves so chaotic that it feels as if you can’t get in a steady step, so instead you are just thrown around on this ship. Clouds so black that you can’t see the sky. The fear, panic, desperation, sadness, and chaos that these sailors must have felt would have been all-consuming. Does that sound familiar?
Sure, I’ve never been on a boat during a storm and felt this way, but my mind has felt like this. My brain has been so foggy that I haven’t been able to think straight. My anxiety and fear have left me feeling so overwhelmed and chaotic that my body has felt completely out of control. I’ve felt that hopelessness that there is no end in sight to the terrible thoughts. Have you? Think for a minute about this storm and how it relates to your mental health.
As I sit here and write this, I feel uncomfortable. I don’t particularly like looking back on these storms of my life and knowing the terrible thoughts that I had. I don’t like thinking that I was ever that sad, overwhelmed, and fearful.
If you feel as though you are in that storm today, I know that it feels hopeless. These sailors felt hopeless too. I know that it feels like the storm is never going to end, that no matter what you try that you’ll never get better, never overcome, never feel steady again. But, this story offers us a beautiful promise. There is an end. There is safety coming. There is a better, steadier life coming.
We have to ride out the storm first. We have to go through the storm. The storm isn’t going to go away immediately and then everything is going to be perfect. That’s not how life, storms, or mental health work. The storms and the winds are going to keep raging as you fight to get better and find your health again. In the story we see the sailors, even as they start listening to Paul, and thus to God, still having to go through the storm.
When we choose to go through the storm with God instead of trying to do it ourselves, we will not only get through the storm safely, but we will get through the storm in the exact way we are supposed to. Logically, the men had ideas about how to get to safety, but those were not the ways that God wanted the sailors to get through the storm. They had to TRUST in Him to get through the storm in the right way, not just in any way.
I urge you to go to God in your storm. Turn to Him and ask Him what He wants you to do. It might not make sense but do it anyway. Building trust with the Lord during these storms of life is a beautiful outcome for them. I know that the storms hurt, and they are terrible, but they teach us so much more than the sunny days ever will.
The people that we become after we have enduring terrible storms in life are people that have compassion, empathy, kindness, understanding, and faith. God wants us to trust Him in all situations, in all circumstances, and with all of the steps of our lives. Storms help us to build trust and faith. God doesn’t allow storms in our path to keep us down. He allows storms in our lives to bring us closer to Him and to make us into humans with character and faith that He needs to serve Him.
I pray that you turn to God in your storm today. I pray that you cling to Him as you battle the waves. I pray that you shout to Him when you can’t see in front of you. I pray that you rely on His steady hands to guide and direct you even as you walk on uneven ground.
I am always praying for you! Please feel free to email me with prayer requests! And make sure to sign up for my emails down below! I email a weekly devotional as well as freebies!
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