Written by Kendall Shue, Eating Disorder Survivor. Eating Disorder Treatment is hard. Here are some things I wish I would have known before and some tips to help you reach your recovery goals.
If you’re reading this, you are probably going to be starting ED treatment soon. First, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this. This is an important, but extremely challenging journey that you are about to be on. There are so many valleys that you are going to have to climb out of…. but you’ve been in the valleys for a while now. You’ve probably been in the valleys for so long that you don’t even remember what it’s like to look off of a mountain top. You may not remember that there is a feeling of FREEDOM from your thoughts. But, there is! You can have it! But, you have to be willing to do the work in treatment to get there.
I suffered from my Eating Disorder for 20 years before I got treatment. I understand what it’s like to live in the constant state of panic over food. To suddenly not have that be a fixture in your life is daunting. What could my brain possibly think about if it’s not thinking about how to control something?
Your brain can focus on the present.
Your brain can focus on what is happening RIGHT NOW instead of worrying about the past or the future.
Your brain can see the joy in the moment instead of regretting the last meal you just had.
Your brain can think of other things, like school or work, and not how those things relate to food.
Your brain can start to build a healthy relationship with YOU, not a controlling one.
Your brain can start to build healthy relationships with OTHERS.
There are so many things waiting for you on the other side of treatment. But… the treatment is hard work. I’m not going to lie and say that this is an easy journey. It’s not. Unfortunately, the only way out of this is through it. So, how do you get there? Today, I’m sharing a few things that I wish I would have known before entering Eating Disorder treatment.
1) You Can Let Go Of Control Now.
That thing you’ve been gripping on to so tightly for so long? Yep.. . you can let that go. The ED treatment facility will make the decisions now. And these decisions may feel really limiting, or like the complete opposite of what you want to do, but you have to trust that they are in the best interest of future you. You don’t want to eat breakfast at 9am like your agenda says? Well… that’s the plan now. You don’t want cereal? Well… that’s what you’re eating.
This may sound absolutely terrifying. I remember that at my first meal, I literally had a panic attack and had to be taken from the room to calm down before I could eat. That first step in letting someone else pick your food, prepare your food and tell you when to eat is difficult. But it’s the first step on the journey to recovery.
You don’t have to control everything. And when that control is taken from you, you realize that you didn’t actually need that control in the first place. You see that you have more energy, more freedom, more choices in life BECAUSE this food control was taken away.
2) You Can Think Now.
You don’t realize how consumed your brain is by ED thoughts until you get into treatment and you start to see your thoughts for what they are. You realize how much of your time and energy has been focused on food and your brain can actually think about other things.
You can think about relationships in your life that you miss, and some that you want to let go of completely.
You can think about other things to do today that aren’t about food. Do you want to read? Do you want to be creative? Do you want to be present in your kids lives?
Thinking about our past is sometimes a really hard thing to do. But for deep, healing recovery to take place, we have to do it. And now? You can actually have the energy to think. Without food constantly contributing to every thought, without trying to control our lives with food, you can feel and deal with your past traumas.
3) You’re Actually MORE Food Informed Now.
It might be hard to accept, but your Eating Disorder has been LYING to you about food for a really long time. If it had been telling you the truth then you wouldn’t be here. So, I know it’s hard, but go into treatment with a thirst for knowledge about food. There is going to be a nutritionist there that can tell you all about food. Not what society has told you, not what the diet industry has told you, and not what your mom taught you while she was dieting, or what an influencer told you on TikTok. But an actual trained dietician will tell you about food.
You get food education! You learn how to heal your relationship with food as well as how to function with food. You learn to let go of what society has taught you and learn that FOOD is FEUL. Even if it’s not your favorite thing. Even if food is still something you don’t enjoy at the end of treatment, you can leave with the knowledge that no matter what the food is, it is fueling your body to live the life you want to live to the absolute max. You don’t have to hide anymore, scared of food and what it might ‘do’ to you. Instead, food is fuel.
Your relationship with food can be healed, but you have to be open to it. If your body and mind want M&M’s, instead of fighting about it in your mind, you learn how to just eat the M&M’s and then let it go. Not only that, you can eat the M&M’s and a burger in the same day without restriction, binging, other ED behaviors or being terrified of what you just did.
Why keep those lies locked in your mind with the rules that are literally ruining your life? Instead, learn what food really is and how ANY food is good for you.
4) You’re Not Alone Now.
Eating disorders often convince you that you are alone in having these types of thoughts. You aren’t! Many other women struggle deeply with these thoughts of food. They fight themselves daily about food, just like you. While these behaviors might express themselves in different ways, the thoughts are often rooted in the same thing: control. We want some type of control in our lives and this is how we get it. I’ve lived like that too!
But after treatment, I’ve also lived in freedom from these thoughts! So, you’re not alone in having these thoughts. But you’re also not alone in wanting to escape them. There is a way out. There is light in the pit that you feel stuck in. Before treatment, in the isolation of your home, your life, and your friends, it may seem like you are the only one that could possibly be thinking about yourself like this. But you aren’t! There are so many other people having these same thoughts, doing these same behaviors, hiding behind the same masks, just trying to get by like you are. But now that you’ve made the decision to do treatment, all of those things CAN go away.
I was the only one diagnosed with ARFID while I was at my ED treatment facility, and yet, in group therapy sessions the other women and I often shared the same fears, obsessions and thoughts. It’s terrible to feel trapped and alone. The alone part is a complete lie. It makes you rely on the ED more when you think that you are alone. When you know that there are other struggling, that there are others just like you, and that there is even a way out? That gives you hope that you can get out too.
5) You don’t have to be perfect now.
Perfection is a huge trigger for me. I like rules. I absolutely hate not knowing what’s happening or what I can do to prepare for a situation. I thought that by following my ED rules perfectly I could control my life perfectly. If I broke one of my ED rules, I would have a complete meltdown.
Now that you’ve chosen treatment, know that these demanding perfectionist rules will not dictate your life now. These rules will FIGHT HARD to stay in your life. Everything in you mind will want to hang onto them, even though you logically know that it is hurting you. But, every step you take in breaking those rules will make you start to feel more free. Perfection is both a vice and a vine. It’s an addicting snare that holds onto you and you are desperately holding onto it.
But slowly, you will start to let that go. Those vines and chains will start to fall away. You can move freely in the world and in your mind. You don’t have to live up to the perfection standards that you’ve held onto for so long. You learn that the world keeps spinning, you keep living and everything actually IS okay without these rules of perfection.
Want Additional Help?
I am so happy to offer individual Christian Life Coaching sessions for people at any point on your recovery journey. Email me at [email protected] to set up an appointment!
I also have a dedicated devotional to Eating Disorder Recovery: The Cliff: a 15 Day Recovery Devotional
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I am always praying for you
