Psalm 49:9- “When I’m afraid, I put my trust in you.”
When my Eating disorder was at its loudest and most controlling it was the only thing I trusted, the only reason that I listened to. I mean… what it was saying made sense. “Kendall, if you won’t eat, you’ll never get sick. Because if you get sick, you will DIE! So, obvious solution- don’t eat so you don’t die.” That correlation may seem extreme, but that thought process actually drove all of my behaviors during the worst MONTHS of my life.
Yes, I resisted eating anything for MONTHS. ARFID is a little different from other eating disorders. The restriction in AFRID isn’t about body image, it’s about food textures, physical sensations and things like that. I was so fearful of physical sensations in my stomach because I thought that those physical sensations meant that I was going to be sick. And if I was sick… then I was dead. During those months, I felt ‘safe’ eating 2 foods- individually wrapped hershey kisses and dry toast. The toast, my ED told me, was because when you’re sick on your stomach, toast is the only acceptable thing to eat. It is the first food that people usually try to eat after they have been sick. The hershey kisses my ED let me eat out of necessity. Since they were individually wrapped, no germs whatsoever were on them. Also, it kept my blood sugar up JUST enough to get through my school day as a teacher.
See, during this time of extreme fear, the thoughts on ‘______ is going to kill me’, ‘I’m not safe enough’, ‘this food isn’t safe’ controlled everything. I was afraid and I didn’t turn to God. I was afraid and I turned toward my Eating Disorder. I truly believed that it was keeping me safe.
But the more I leaned in the Eating Disorder behaviors, the sicker I got. The more my world shrunk. I couldn’t see my friends. When I tried to go out to see them, the fear was so loud that I always had to bail before the food even got to the table. Suddenly, what I thought was keeping me safe was actually so controlling that I couldn’t even hear my own thoughts, just the swirling thoughts about my safety.
Your Fear Action Plan
Fear can make us do a lot of things. Fear can control so many aspects of your life if you let it. Fear can get so loud sometimes that it is all you hear and all that makes sense to you.
Instead of turning towards behaviors when we feel fear, we have to turn towards the Lord. The Lord can give us strength to face that fear, no matter how it has manifested in your life.
#1- Devotionals
When I finally got treatment, I knew that I would have to face my fears multiple times a day, away from my safe people in this space that I was not comfortable with. So, I started doing devotionals every morning before I walked into treatment. Devotionals about fear, peace, and God’s love. Devotionals about overwhelming emotions, sadness and joy. God found me in my fear when I turned to Him. Before I faced breakfast, I faced Him. I took my fear straight to Him and prayed every morning for healing, guidance and help.
If it wasn’t for God’s peace during those hard months in treatment, facing those fears every day, multiple times a day, would have been so much harder. God spoke to me through those devotionals. God will find a way to speak to you too. Choose to turn to Him instead of your behaviors when you feel fear.
#2: Prayer
When we feel intense fear, we have to immediatley start praying about it. Even if you’re having a panic attack (been there, done that!), just start praying. In your mind, out loud, with someone- any way you want to do it works. Your instincts when you feel fear have to change from running from it to running towards HIM.
Here is a simple prayer to get started when praying with intense fear:
“Dear God, I can’t think straight right now and my thoughts and fears are so loud. Lord, I pray for protection. Lord, I pray for strength to get through this situation. Lord, please help me feel peace in YOU even though this situation is not in my control. Lord, take control. Please help me Lord. Amen”
#3- Thought Changes
Fear convinces us of so many lies. Fear masterfully takes the truth and twists it just enough to make it believable. Fear convinces us that our God isn’t in control and that by somehow doing a behavior will put us in control. What a lie that the enemy has made us believe. There is nothing that we can do that will change God’s plan for us. There is nothing that we can control that will change it either.
Running in fear will not change the situation, nor will it change what God has asked you to do in life or what you need to face in the moment.
Learning how to change your thoughts from fear based to faith based is so important.
I can’t control this turns to God is in control, so I don’t have to worry.
I can’t do this turns into God is my strength and my power. I’m turning to Him.
This is too much turns into God is bigger than any problem I will ever face.
Trusting that God has us in His hand. That He is leading us, guiding us and protecting us is the way to overcome the control that fear has on us.
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