ED Recovery: Day 2- Behavior

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Romans 7:15- “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do.”

What is your behavior? You know… the thing you do because your eating disorder tells you you have to do it. You have to do it or you will gain weight. You have to do it so you have control. You have to do it so that you don’t have to feel your feelings. You have to do it so you won’t die. What we do because the Eating Disorder is telling us to do it is called an emotional behavior. We do it because we can’t stand the thought of not doing it. Not because we really want to. 

You might actually like cookies, but because your eating disorder tells you not to eat it, you don’t. You might hate throwing up, but you can’t stand the thought of having to deal with the guilt of eating what you just did, so you do what your eating disorder tells you too. You might be like me, and only eat what is deemed safe, even though you really do want to eat what everyone else is eating. 

When you engage in the behavior, at first, you feel a sense of relief. Thank goodness that that feeling is gone! The guilt, the shame, the fear, the sadness! Look! My eating disorder is helping me! I don’t have to ever feel those emotions… now I have a way out. 

But suddenly, you have to engage in the behavior that started out as an escape. Suddenly you are enslaved by the thing that you went to for escape. Suddenly, you don’t understand why you are doing it at all because the feelings of guilt, shame, fear, sadness, anxiety and depression are still all there. 

Paul had the same feeling here in Romans. We don’t know what his struggle was, and honestly I don’t think it matters. What does matter is that there is someone writing in the Bible that literally is having the same thoughts as I have! Have you ever cried out to God, “I don’t understand what I am doing??” or something along those lines? I have. 

Are you at a point in your eating disorder journey that you hate what you are doing but you keep doing it anyway? You are at the transformation point my friend. That feeling of helplessness and hopelessness is where God is going to meet you because you might be finally ready to let Him take a turn at fighting the battle in your mind. 

That battle starts with you, going to God and asking Him to take over the fight. Admitting you aren’t strong enough alone and believing that he cares about you and loves you. Do that today. Tell God your behaviors and why you believe they started, then ask Him to step in. Keep believing that He will heal you. Keep choosing to turn to Him when it feels like it is going to overtake you. Eventually you will have the strength to turn from the behavior.

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