The Year I Chose Recovery

The title might sound weird- choosing recovery. I’m not sure that there is another way to describe it though. Eating Disorders are all different- with different triggers and different why’s… but they all have the same root: a need for control.

For years, the more I controlled food, the safer I felt. My need to feel safe often didn’t go with the facts that were staring me in the face. I thought for so long that my eating patterns were keeping me safe, not hurting me. My mind convinced me that food was the enemy- that it was what was causing the anxiety, fear and pain that I was in.

Looking back on that intense time in my life, it’s hard to believe and accept my thought patterns. It’s hard to know that I let myself think like that. When I hit rock bottom and I had to go into Eating Disorder Treatment, I knew that I had to give it everything I had. I knew that I couldn’t fix myself alone. All of that control that I had been holding onto so tightly had to be released.

I had to be released from this feeling of constant fear.

I had to be released from the thoughts constantly whirling in my mind on repeat.

The year I chose to go into treatment saved my life. Once I got there, I gave it my all, both in treatment and at home. I tracked everything like I was supposed to, even on weekends.

Choosing to let go though also involved a very important spiritual element. Because if I wasn’t in control, then someone else had to be right? Someone else had to be looking out for my safety? If the rules that my mind had made up almost killed me, then I had to turn to a higher power to feel safe and secure.

My peace couldn’t come from my rules anymore. It had to come for the Lord.

Part of my year that I chose recovery was choosing to spend time with God. I would get to treatment early every morning and sit in the parking lot and read a devotional, journal and pray. I would spend 20-30 minutes doing that every single day.

Before treatment, my mind was focused on the Lord. My mind was focused on who could actually give me peace. My mind knew, even if it didn’t accept it yet, that the Lord was in ultimate and complete control.

One thing that I think a lot of people in these kinds of healing siutations miss is that while healing is taking place, you have to address ALL parts of the problem. If I had just went into treatment and they had just addressed my eating issue, then I would be right back to my old ED behaviors in no time.

Addressing the spiritual and emotional issues, as well as the physical ones, is what recovery is. Facing it all. Facing the fears, facing your thoughts and thought patterns… and facing the food.

Once I had a clear understanding, through my time with God and through treatment, that I didn’t trust God to take care of me, then, and only then, could I start to heal my relationship with the Lord. Only then could my spirit of fear start to turn into a spirit of faith.

The year that I chose recovery was the hardest year of my life. I cried more days that I can count. My anxiety was so intense most days that I felt like I was crumbling.

But even then, I showed up to my solo bible study every day. I chose to eat the food at every meal. I chose to face the emotional and past traumas that had led me down that spiral.

Those daily, minute by minute choices to heal are WHY I was able to heal. I think that a lot of us have this idea of what ‘perfect’ recovery looks like. We might see eating without fear and without thoughts. We might see sitting on a beach with friends eating and laughing.

But the hard truth is that ‘perfect’ recovery is not real. The fact that those ED thoughts still swirl in my mind when I’m eating sucks. The. fact that I still have anxiety is awful.

You know what is healed though? My relationship with my anxiety- I have accepted that it will pass and that food (eating or not eating) does not give me control over it. My relationship with food is so much better- I trust that most foods won’t kill me or cause me harm. My relationship with my body is a lot healthier- knowing that fullness is not something to be avoided at all costs and is natural is helping me to accept food so much more.

The most important thing that is healed though is my relationship with my Father. I now start every single day in His presence, reading with Him and talking to Him. I know that He is the One in control and that He is the One that my trust is in. I know that He is in charge of keeping me safe.

My Eating Disorder is awful… but my ED is a part of me that I am also so grateful for. God taught me so much through that year of choosing recovery. He taught me to trust food again. He taught me to trust HIM, and Him alone. And that is the most important lesson that I will ever learn on this planet.

I recovered from more than just my ED- I recovered from the toxic hold that the enemy had over me. I recovered from the lies and rules that I believed. I recovered from a life that was apart from God instead of with Him. I recovered my strength and my resilience. I recovered my identity in God instead of my identify in fear. I recovered my faith.

This life is about choices that you make daily, hourly, and minute by minute. Choosing to do the hard thing, and do it consistently is not easy. It takes guts, willpower and strength. One of my core beliefs walking into treatment was that I had no resilience. Today, I know that I am full of resilience because of the choices that I made during that year. I know that God gave me back my strength, my identity, and my willpower. But I was only able to get to this place in recovery because I accepted who was in control- it’s Him, and it’s always going to be Him. Accepting that made me understand that no matter what rules my mind was telling me, if it contradicted what the Lord wanted me to do, then that rule wasn’t a rule at all- it was a lie.

These lies that I believed were truths for so long is what held me down and broke me. In that brokeness, God picked me up and gently rebuilt me into someone that understands who my true-self is. I am not who my Eating Disorder defined me as. I am God’s child, who will always be protected by God. I am under God’s control and power. His purpose in my life is now what I strive for, not my own.

If you want this to be the year that you choose recovery, reach out. I’d love to chat with you. My email is: [email protected]

Here is the hotline to an ED center that you can also call: 800-931-2237 (you can text or call!)

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